NO, U R ENGLISH

Those of who lived in the CIEFL Hostels during the years 1995-96 would have been witness to a great revolution among the participants in the form of an in-house participants newsletter called /InsaIt/ initiated by Srinivasa Prasad, Rita Ghosh and John Varghese…(remember them, guys?) it was very good while it lasted…I think it ran continuously for one year successfully and slowly faded out…I managed to save all my copies and it is in these pages that I wrote some of my humour stuff back in those days of innocence…and I thought, why not reproduce some of them here in my blog…I have already posted some pieces…my poem which appeared in the very first issue and my spoofish take on the ‘to be or not to be’ soliloquy…and the one which appears in this post is a humourous take on … what? (come on guys…I don’t have to tell you this…) anyway…read on and if you liked it…please leave a comment…and there is more to come…

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Hi Pops!

Hello Sonny, any interesting questions today?

Oh yes…one Mr Roman Claudius from Copenhagen asks, ‘What is hamlet?’

Let me see…yeah…here it is…according to the Sow and Pig Handbook, ‘hamlet’ is the Danish name for the young one of a pig, otherwise known as ‘piglet.’ The Handbook says that it is derived from ‘ham,’ which as we all know is ‘pig’ and therefore, ‘hamlet’ means the young one of a pig…

Surprising… coming from Denmark, Mr Claudius doesn’t know the Danish name of ‘piglet’…

Indeed, I think something is rotten in the state of Denmark…!!!

That means ‘chicklet’ is the young one of a chick, no?

What son? Yeah, elementary, my dear…next letter, please…

Mr Kang Fu Shan from ConFuJing is confused and wonders if you could help him…

What a strange combination! No wonder he is confused. What does he want to know?

He says, “I read a book on English grammar and it says that the plural of ‘mouse’ is ‘mice’ and that of ‘louse’ is ‘lice’ and I want to know whether the plural of ‘house’ is ‘hice’ and that of ‘blouse’ is ‘blice.’ You see, I am an English teacher and my students asked me this question. I am confused.”

Voila! His deduction and derivation is exact to a T. Congratulations, Mr Shan!

Popsy, does it mean that the plural of ‘spouse’ is ‘spice’?

Absolutely!

Then, if there is no ‘spouse,’ there is no ‘spice,’ no?

Automatically, my dear, automatically…

Aah…this is interesting…Ms Poe-Duvall from Baltimore wants to know the meaning of ‘gruesome.’ Popsy, could she be related to Edgar Allan Poe, the great American writer?

If she is, then her question is wasted here. She’d better ask her legendary ancestor. Anyway, since she has asked us, we’d better give her an answer. The Dictionary of Growth and Death tells us that ‘gruesome’ actually means ‘something that was shorter earlier.’ Sonny, I am really famished…I could eat a whole hamlet. These language lessens are really gruesome. I have to meet a couple of people in their hice…and pick up some blice for my spouse…I have to hurry…otherwise there will be less spice in my life…!!

(Excerpted from Language Lessens and Plays by Bhiktri and Sunny. Amnesia: Apprentice Lyceum, 1982. First published in Tongese by Mepolalynesia. Neduqsowzxijkyl: Tonga, 1975)